Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A bit sad today

I must admit, I'm a bit sad today.
It's not hard to come up with many names for Brian lately, but when referring to him in conversation I use his name now most of the time rather than saying "my husband." Technically he is still my husband but I don't really call him that anymore. I don't know what to call my sister and brother in-law's and my niece and nephews now. Something as random as this is quite upsetting. I will admit that as devastating as it is to lose Brian it is equally so to lose his family. They are/were wonderful. I love them dearly and miss them terribly. For lack of knowing what to call her at this point I'm going to stick with Sister-in-law... my sister-in-law emailed me a couple pictures of my newest nephew today. As happy as I am to see how he has grown it's also like a knife to the heart because I am no longer a part of that inner circle. I am no longer going to be his aunt, a role I so very much cherished. I was going to be the best aunt I could be to my niece and nephews and that has been taken away from me. I understand that I can still have a relationship with some of B's family and possibly with the kids, but it will never be the same again. I loved being a part of a big, loud, fun family that was real and genuine and warm. I don't have that with my family and I will ache for it and miss it terribly.

I apologize for the melancholy of my posts lately, and for the lack of fun and interesting posts about home decorating. I'm trying to crack down on myself while I'm at work and actually get some work done rather than blogging. I hope I don't scare off my readers by being so depressing lately. It's been not quite 2 1/2 months since B leaving, which sometimes feels like a lot of time, and sometimes doesn't feel like much. The lives of others have moved on but my life is still in turmoil. I guess I have been using my blog as a place to vent and relieve some of the anguish I feel because people are probably tired of hearing it.
Anyhow, thanks for listening.

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