Thursday, December 4, 2008

an update about me

So it’s been a while since I’ve actually updated about how I’m doing. I’ve been thinking about writing this for a couple of days and finally worked up the courage to talk about it.
I’m doing ok, bordering on good. Is there something in between ok and good? I have sort of settled into a routine of sorts that really isn’t too much of a routine at all. I’ve been keeping myself really busy with jewelry, and trips to Disneyland and Boston and home to Yuba City to work on furniture and see friends. After not attending the class I was taking at West Valley for almost a month (due to events happening on the same nights) I decided to not go anymore. It should be offered again next fall and if I feel like it I might enroll in it again. It was just too much for me to handle the right way and do all of the other stuff in my life. I did learn quite a bit about the subject matter and myself but eventually I would like to learn more.
As far as things go with B, out of sight out of mind seems to work for me. The less I have to correspond with him or think about him or have anything to do with him is best. Unfortunately the paperwork is not done yet and we are not legally separated yet. I have some stuff I have to read before he will bring over the paperwork he has done. After he does that I’ll read over it and sign if I agree with everything that is there. And as far as I know I shouldn’t have to go file it with him. Once that is done we wait for 6 months to sign the final final paperwork.
I’ve embarked on a journey of getting to know myself in the last three months. It’s been interesting. My therapist (yes, I have a therapist) says that she thinks I’m finding that I’m a stronger person than I ever knew or gave myself credit for. Which I guess is true, I don’t know that I really believe it yet. I’ve always been so hard on myself and been so self-degrading that it’s not an easy transition to all of a sudden see this value in myself. I’m really just kind of going along, day by day, living my life and thinking about myself and who I am and who I want to be and doing my best not to think about the past. It’s still hard to believe how my life changed in an instant and I went from being a married person with a married future to a separated person with an unknown future.
I was told the other day “not to let this divorce take over my life.” I thought about it and said to myself, “I’m not!” I said to my therapist last week that I felt like this was too easy, and I asked her how come I’m not in a puddle on the floor most days. She basically said that it’s because I’m stronger than I thought.
I do worry that everything is going to catch up with me one day and turn me into a big mess but for now I seem to be doing fine. I do still have moments of sadness and bad days but most days I’m ok.
As far as the holidays go, I’m just not that interested in them. Thanksgiving was quiet and relaxing. It didn’t really feel like Thanksgiving but that was ok with me. I’m usually so excited about Christmas. I usually put decorations up as soon as Thanksgiving is over and listen to the music and the whole shebang. The only things I’m interested in this year is doing some baking and decorating my little tinsel tree. I probably won’t do Christmas cards, I don’t have a lot of presents to buy and I’m just generally not in the holiday spirit. But that is ok, I’m not going to force it.
Anyhow, that is an update about me. I have to get back to work now.


maribelle said...

Sending you tons of happy thoughts from Treasure Island.

yogamama said...

AND happy thoughts from YC