Sunday, July 8, 2012

We all have our own journey

Hello everybody! Silly me didn't think about just downloading Firefox so I could once again blog from home. It worked, so here I am! Hopefully I'll be around more often as I seem to have more to say and share lately and it's all been bottled up waiting to be able to blog about it. I am pretty darn active on Instagram and Pinterest and that is on a daily basis so if you can't get enough of me (which is highly unlikely) head on over there.
My first post is a bit heavier a subject but it's been on my mind for a while now. Life seems to be a series of phases, and being a person who takes a while to adjust to change I am always thrown off by new phases in my life. Not too long ago I stopped working at Paper Source. My full time job keeps me afloat and seeing as how it's 40 hours a week I was having trouble finding time to do the things I needed to do to stay organized and fulfilled. I miss the people I work with but I don't miss the retail part of it. I am a contemplative enough person to be able to look back and see how much I grew and changed while working there. Being surrounded by so many wonderful nurturing women was such a good thing for me. 
While I am enjoying having real weekends I have been so busy lately I've not had much time to stay home and catch up on life. Today I get the afternoon to work on a few projects and do a little blogging! I'm simultaneously working on my first real crochet project, painting some pots and planting some succulents and some handmade fabric bunting for a friend of mine. It's a nice afternoon but I have to remember to stop at some point and clean up my room and go to the grocery store.
The last several years have been simultaneously awful and wonderful for me. Through struggle and adversity comes great strength and growth and I am one of the lucky ones that has come out of big nasty life changing events in a better place. BH and DH (before husband and during husband) I was a clingy, annoying dependant person. After getting divorced and laid off I began a new journey to this person I am today. I sort of see it like a curving graph that was just going up and up for a long time. I spent the last almost four years discovering this new person I am. I've become independent and more self assured. I know, love and respect myself more than I ever have in my life. I am more able to accept who I am, and in return accept others for who they are. This, I feel is one of the great unexpected accomplishments of this journey. I approach life as organically as I can, things will happen when they happen and this new phase seems to have happened without much warning, it has hit me like a Mac truck.
I don't really know what to call this phase, but that graph I mentioned earlier, it looks as though it's leveling out and maybe even slightly declining. I've become unsatisfied with part of my life. I always thought it was a cliche or just silly talk when people talk about resisting getting older. But now I understand the fear. I'm terrified of what my next birthday brings. It's one year closer to the dreaded age of 35. I never in my life, not even in the last four years thought I would get there and be single and even childless. Out of the blue, I am ready for love. I'm ready to find that someone special and now that I'm ready I just want it now! It's the most daunting thing to figure out how in the hell to meet someone. 
Being the age that I am most of my friends (all but one) are married and the majority of them have kiddos.  I'm finding it increasingly difficult to relate to almost every one of my friends because it seems we have less and less in common these days. I envy the ones that are happily married or happily in long term relationships, it hurts to see the special looks and sweet kisses between them.  I feel like I'm losing touch with them and growing apart, which is very tough for me. 
This journey that I've been on has been so great, but I feel like it's taking a turn. I've become so good at being on my own I'm scared I've buried myself and become a loner. I mentioned earlier that I've gotten to know myself and my needs. It turns out I need time alone, just to stay home and be myself and dawdle around the house doing laundry, or crafting or whatever. If I don't have this I'll go crazy. But then that puts my relationships at risk of falling apart. How do I balance seeing my friends, not feeling like the fifth wheel and taking care of myself? It ends up being a vicious circle; I avoid events because I feel very much on the outside, but by doing that they create memories without me. I don't know how to fix this, it's a great conundrum. 
That was very long, and quite disjointed. If you were able to get through it and read it all I applaud you! I guess what I really could have said is that my journey seems to be so much different than the people around me, and figuring out how to move forward is a challenge.
I leave you with a few pictures of my recent activity on Instagram...

I painted some pots with neon paint and planted succulents today.
Yesterday my mom, sister and her boyfriend went to Heath Ceramics and to the Marin Headlands, it was such a nice day! 
I'm learning how to crochet and loving this first project! It's farther along than this now but I have this pic to share...



Ozgirl said...

Hi Amy,

Good to 'hear' an update form you.

Can i just say that minus the divorce I can relate a lot to you in life.

And recently I came to the same realization that I am happy with my life and being independent etc. And that I also need alone time, but yet there is nowhere in my life that I get opportunities to meet men.

How to get out of this i don't know - I have tried/am on internet dating sites but i am still yet to find anyone.

Yes I am dreading the 35 birthday as well!

Anne said...

As a 37-year old who is childless and not married (although in a relationship) I understand what you're going through to some degree. I'm in a slightly different place - (Do I even want kids? I don't know, but I need to decide soon because if I decide I do, it'll be too late soon!) and I wonder if this relationship will move towards marriage, and does it need it, do I want that?

Anyway, all this is to say that as far as I can tell, no one has this stuff figured out, mainly because it's just different for everyone. Now that you're open to it, it'll happen. You're smart, pretty, talented, and independent (which trust me is a good thing) and it will happen.

Also, I love your pots with succulents. I should make some of those!