Be Bold

It’s time to put it out there, I mean, it’s all about the people you know, right? And I seem to know mostly married people who also know married people. So, here it goes… I am SO ready to meet a great guy! I know there is one out there that would just get me and be totally awesome and we’d be like peas and carrots or peanut butter and jelly, or…  well you get the idea.

So, I’m putting out an APB of sorts… Give me your tired, your poor… oh wait, wrong quote… bring me your single, your affectionate, your beardy, and thoughtful men.  Bring me the ones who enjoy a good beer, or glass of wine, the ones that want to have a family and cook food together and laugh and be silly. Bring me the ones who will take me camping and build me a fire, and the ones who want to take care of this planet for our children and their children. Bring me the ones who are balanced and open-minded and have a spiritual connection to a greater being. Bring me the ones with great passion and interest and who understand my need to follow my passions and interests.

I am so ready for this. 2013 is going to be MY YEAR! I feel it in my bones, great things will happen this year! I’m in a good place in my life, I’m happy and the one thing I feel is missing is a partner… and a dog. So, if you know any great single guys that meet some or all of the above mentioned qualities please let me know! Tell your friends, and tell them to tell their friends! With your help, this can really happen. Bring it on! 

Stand upright, speak thy thoughts, declare The truth thou hast, that all may share; Be bold, proclaim it everywhere: They only live who dare. -Voltaire

Keepsakes vs. stuff??

It's been four years but we are finally cleaning out my grandma and grandpa's house so that my cousin and her husband can live there. My parents have been working hard on getting most things out and sorted and my sister and I spent a day at the house a few weeks ago and almost all day on Thanksgiving going through more stuff. It's caused me to stop and ponder the nostalgic value of things vs. it being just stuff.
I am a collector, but only of stuff that I love, or that makes me feel good, or has a memory attached to it. I love to have "my things" around me, it provides comfort and makes a cozy happy home for me. But going through Grandma's stuff you begin to wonder if there is any point in keeping it, it's just going to sit somewhere where we can look at it and say, hey, that was grandma's!
My mom and dad kept a lot of the furniture and other things that have value, whether just sentimental, historical or monetary. Eventually that stuff (however morbid it is to think about) will be passed to my sister and I, and eventually to our future generations. Will it retain it's value as it's passed down? Will my grandchildren wonder why the heck I kept a blue vase or a ceramic cow that was hers? When does it all cease to be special, when you have a houseful of stuff you can't get rid of because it belonged to someone you care about? Does it really help to keep their memory alive?
I'm somewhat torn about this because I also feel like we (society in general) have too much crap. We buy buy buy and clog up the landfills with a bunch of useless crap. Don't even get me started on black Friday and the sheer volume of shit that people buy just so they can give a gift to someone that has no sentimental value.  Wow, that was a bit of a tangent...
I'm not sure what the point of this post is... I'm just thinking outloud really. It really does make me happy to have my grandma's things around me, I just worry that maybe it's too much...

It's a puzzle.

Getting older has its benefits and its drawbacks. And for all of you “older” people out there rolling your eyes, I am by no means old but old enough to feel “older.”  One of the benefits is that you begin to know yourself better. I can actually look back at my life and see how much I have changed and grown. With this knowing of oneself you start to see what works for you and what doesn’t. One thing that I’ve noticed about myself is that while I crave organization (and all of the cool gadgets and storage containers that come with it) I am just not good at it. The weeks that I am organized and have my shiz together are the best weeks! My house is clean: I have food for real meals and clean laundry that is put away. Those weeks also tend to be the ones when I make my bed in the mornings. There really is some psychological benefit to coming home to a made bed. They are also few and far between. Last week was fabulous! This week: not so much. 

It’s a combination of factors really, that make for living an organized life. Part of it is that some people are just made that way. I am not. When it comes down to it, if I have a choice between spending another hour sewing or doing something creative over cleaning up the house, chances are I’m going to choose the former. I’m an artistic creative person, not a neatnick. One of the other factors is time. When I get busy I don’t have the time to do laundry, and meal plan and get groceries. Like last weekend, I was out of town and the day I would normally use to get those things done was unavailable. If I could have my way I’d always have Sunday’s to stay home and get those sorts of things done. But seeing as how I’m already battling being a hermit and my desire to stay home in my cocoon all day it doesn’t really work. I have places I want to go, and friends I want to see and things I want to do. I don’t know if it’s the change in season, or just a new phase of me, but I increasingly find lately that I just want to be at home, by myself. This doesn’t work well with attempting to meet someone. Unless the husband fairy is going to drop Mr. Perfect on my doorstep while I’m at home in my comfy pants, sewing.

So my conundrum is this… how does one balance being organized and keep on top of things like having food in the house and clean laundry, doing the things that feed your soul and make you feel alive and creatively nourished, and maintaining healthy relationships with friends and family? Oh, and don’t forget getting exercise!  Some weeks it works, some weeks it doesn’t. Is this just the way it’s going to be? And my goodness, I’m just me. What does one do when they have a husband and children in the mix too?  I would really like to find a way to make it all work more smoothly than it is now. If anyone has any tips or tricks to suggest for a hopelessly messy unorganized cocoon loving creative type please do share!

A Star Burnt Out to Soon

I've been in the car for two and a half hours with plenty of time to think, but no hands to write. This is verbal vomit of my thoughts, not neccesarily in any order or sense.

Yesterday I attended a celebration of life for a young woman who departed this earth too soon. I knew her, but not well. After attending the memorial service and hearing about her vibrant and full life I've turned inward to look at my own life. Memorial services have a way of forcing you to look at your life from an angle not often experienced, and sometimes you might not like what you see.
She was the younger sister of one of my most favoritesmartguys, and the sister-in-law of one of my known for my whole life sistergirlfriends. This loss was a huge blow to them, unexpected and tragic. When I heard the news I gasped outloud, and though it was mid morning and I'd already been out for a run, I got back in bed because I was so immediately sad nothing else seemed worth doing. Just over a year ago sistergirlfriend lost her dad, they are still learning how to navigate life without him so this feels like the biggest fuckyou possible.
The bright star that burnt out taught me some lessons yesterday, ones I'll continue to think about for days to come. I didn't know her that well, but always thought of her like a rare bird; something rare and unique with beautiful feathers. I was a little intimidated by her honestly. She was a free spirit. She was loud, and tattooed and everyone was drawn to her. She had fabulous hair, and a beautiful smile, and while I could never pull it off I loved her style. She was just 29  years old yet wise beyond her years.
She danced to the beat of her own drum. When her dad asked her why she liked living in Ecuador she answered by saying because the people there are happy with enough. If they have enough food to eat, a roof over their heads, a bed to sleep in and friends and family that love them, it is enough. When she would come back to the States everyone was chasing something bigger and better and nothing was ever enough. So she chose to live where life was more simple. She did what was right for her. What a smart girl.
She lived every day as though it was her last, savoring moments with loved ones and friends. She told her mom "you can sleep when you're dead" as she was dragging her out of the house for an adventure.
Circling back to myself for a minute... I got home from the service last night and sat and cried. Am I living my life to the fullest? If I die tomorrow will I regret not having lived every day like it was my last?  Should I be out and about and experiencing everything I can as often as I can? Am I living my life the right way?  I was perplexed. I fell asleep last night with many questions in my head. I woke up this morning with those same questions, and remembered something else her family had said. She lived the life that was right for her. Not the life someone else thought she should have, not the life society thought she should have, but the one she thought she should have. That provided some solace and direction. So I'm trying to figure out the right balance of living life to the fullest but in the way that is right for me. Her way of life was different than mine, but I learned from her to think about how I want to live and be remembered. I might just go out and get that new tattoo I've been thinking about... and paint my nails red.
She was a bright fiery star that brought light and warmth to everyone around her. I know her family and friends will miss her immensely.
There was much more I wanted to say, but the deep thoughts generated by driving through the night alone with Ray LaMontagne and James Taylor are now eluding me.
To sistergirlfriend and favoritesmartguy... I love you guys dearly. My heart hurts for you and I wish I could absorb some of the pain for you. I know you know... but you are always in my thoughts and only a phone call, a text or a shortish car ride away. If all else fails, try some chicken and mac&cheese. XOXOXOXO.

Please, hug the ones you love. Call those too far away to hug. Tell the people you love that you love them.

Do you ever feel like something is missing... you are going along with your daily routine, but it's a little empty? That's how I feel right now. What's incredibly annoying is not being able to put my finger on what it is. I do have a few guesses as to what it could be... or it could be a combination of things. Hopefully I'll get it figured out soon.
In the meantime...
It's beginning to cool down, it's getting darker earlier and the light is changing. These are the first things I start to notice about the fall months. I've decided this year that rather than try to put it off I'm just going to let the obsession with my favorite time of year overtake me and dive right in. I saw mini pumpkins at the grocery store the other day and already bought some, and I'm ready to make my first batch of pumpkin bread, I just have to buy some pumpkin. I also decided that I needed a fall quilt. It's funny, because I usually have to think and over think making a quilt, and wonder if I have the right fabrics and what kind of blocks should I do... this time I just knew what pattern I wanted, and I went to the fabric store and came home and started cutting fabric the next day. I'm moving much faster on getting the blocks put together than with past quilts, probably because I've been able to dedicate larger chunks of time to getting it done. I love quiet weekends at home spent sipping hot tea and sewing with football on in the background.

I found this fabric and fell in love and used it as the base to work with...

I'm so excited about this fabric!

And this is a super cute fabric that I could not resist...

So, happy autumn! Hopefully I'll have more sewing to share after this weekend!

It's a faux fall day!

Hi all! Today I'm pretending that it's fall and not the dog days of summer. It's lovely outside and pretty cool for an August day. It's only in the low 70's. As much as I've tried to put off the yearnings for the season things like the weather and preseason football have brought it to my front door. In years past I've been in full craft fair prep mode by this time and I miss out on my favorite time of year. Not this year, no craft fairs for me! Instead I'm working on a few things for myself. I've been so busy with other things that I've not done any quilting for a long time and I've got the bug. I think I need a fall quilt to replace the bright happy spring one I have right now. I've bought a pattern and I think next week I'll head over the hill to Hart's to get started on picking out fabrics for it! I'm so excited!

My faux fall day started with a muffin and some Halloween fabrics I've had for two years. Can't wait to make something out of them!

Every faux fall day needs tomato soup!

And preseason football!

Playing catch up!

 I went so long without blogging I need to play catch up! A couple months ago I got to go to Disneyland with my best girlfriends! I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to go! I didn't take my regular camera, kicked myself in the butt for that, but I did have my iPhone! Seeing as how it's my first one and I love Instagram I took a lot of pictures using it. Here is a smattering of my favorite ones. We did California Adventure too but I didn't take as many pictures. I'm dying to go back already!

In no particular order...

I didn't notice the guy behind us until now! Ha!

We ate lots of churros!

My first mouse ears!

Blog crack... Pacing the Panic Room

I recently found a new blog and I love it. My only criticism is that he doesn't blog enough. I check it every day and am sad when there isn't something new and insightful for me to read. The author is Ryan and he writes about his beautiful family, and his work and his talented wife. His writing is raw and truthful and real. I do love a blog where people put themselves out there. It helps the rest of us to keep it in perspective and be thankful for what we have. His writing is inspiring and honest. I follow both of them on Pinterest and Instagram. I'm obsessed. Here are a few of Ryan's pictures...

You definitely need to add this to your reader... Pacing the Panic Room

We all have our own journey

Hello everybody! Silly me didn't think about just downloading Firefox so I could once again blog from home. It worked, so here I am! Hopefully I'll be around more often as I seem to have more to say and share lately and it's all been bottled up waiting to be able to blog about it. I am pretty darn active on Instagram and Pinterest and that is on a daily basis so if you can't get enough of me (which is highly unlikely) head on over there.

My first post is a bit heavier a subject but it's been on my mind for a while now. Life seems to be a series of phases, and being a person who takes a while to adjust to change I am always thrown off by new phases in my life. Not too long ago I stopped working at Paper Source. My full time job keeps me afloat and seeing as how it's 40 hours a week I was having trouble finding time to do the things I needed to do to stay organized and fulfilled. I miss the people I work with but I don't miss the retail part of it. I am a contemplative enough person to be able to look back and see how much I grew and changed while working there. Being surrounded by so many wonderful nurturing women was such a good thing for me. 

While I am enjoying having real weekends I have been so busy lately I've not had much time to stay home and catch up on life. Today I get the afternoon to work on a few projects and do a little blogging! I'm simultaneously working on my first real crochet project, painting some pots and planting some succulents and some handmade fabric bunting for a friend of mine. It's a nice afternoon but I have to remember to stop at some point and clean up my room and go to the grocery store.

The last several years have been simultaneously awful and wonderful for me. Through struggle and adversity comes great strength and growth and I am one of the lucky ones that has come out of big nasty life changing events in a better place. BH and DH (before husband and during husband) I was a clingy, annoying dependant person. After getting divorced and laid off I began a new journey to this person I am today. I sort of see it like a curving graph that was just going up and up for a long time. I spent the last almost four years discovering this new person I am. I've become independent and more self assured. I know, love and respect myself more than I ever have in my life. I am more able to accept who I am, and in return accept others for who they are. This, I feel is one of the great unexpected accomplishments of this journey. I approach life as organically as I can, things will happen when they happen and this new phase seems to have happened without much warning, it has hit me like a Mac truck.

I don't really know what to call this phase, but that graph I mentioned earlier, it looks as though it's leveling out and maybe even slightly declining. I've become unsatisfied with part of my life. I always thought it was a cliche or just silly talk when people talk about resisting getting older. But now I understand the fear. I'm terrified of what my next birthday brings. It's one year closer to the dreaded age of 35. I never in my life, not even in the last four years thought I would get there and be single and even childless. Out of the blue, I am ready for love. I'm ready to find that someone special and now that I'm ready I just want it now! It's the most daunting thing to figure out how in the hell to meet someone. 

Being the age that I am most of my friends (all but one) are married and the majority of them have kiddos.  I'm finding it increasingly difficult to relate to almost every one of my friends because it seems we have less and less in common these days. I envy the ones that are happily married or happily in long term relationships, it hurts to see the special looks and sweet kisses between them.  I feel like I'm losing touch with them and growing apart, which is very tough for me. 

This journey that I've been on has been so great, but I feel like it's taking a turn. I've become so good at being on my own I'm scared I've buried myself and become a loner. I mentioned earlier that I've gotten to know myself and my needs. It turns out I need time alone, just to stay home and be myself and dawdle around the house doing laundry, or crafting or whatever. If I don't have this I'll go crazy. But then that puts my relationships at risk of falling apart. How do I balance seeing my friends, not feeling like the fifth wheel and taking care of myself? It ends up being a vicious circle; I avoid events because I feel very much on the outside, but by doing that they create memories without me. I don't know how to fix this, it's a great conundrum. 

That was very long, and quite disjointed. If you were able to get through it and read it all I applaud you! I guess what I really could have said is that my journey seems to be so much different than the people around me, and figuring out how to move forward is a challenge.

I leave you with a few pictures of my recent activity on Instagram...

I painted some pots with neon paint and planted succulents today.

 

Yesterday my mom, sister and her boyfriend went to Heath Ceramics and to the Marin Headlands, it was such a nice day! 

I'm learning how to crochet and loving this first project! It's farther along than this now but I have this pic to share...

XOXO

New shower decor

Hello all! I haven't blogged in a long time because every time I try I seem to have difficulty with Blogger. I just figured out that my computer at work seems to be fine with it, but not my computer at home. Not sure why. So I'm just dashing off a quick post because I need your opinion! I've been wanting to redo my bathroom decor for years and am finally able to think about it. I have a picture I keep going back to in my mind but I don't have access to it at work so we'll have to make due.

I know I want to get a wall decal that says "get naked" to put on the wall. Something sort of like this.

I also know I want to get these wall vases, I've been wanting them forever!

I will not be painting any of the walls in the bathroom so the color will need to come from the shower curtain, art, towels and floor rugs.  When I decided I wanted to redo my bathroom for some reason the color scheme of coral and brown came to mind, not really sure why, but I can't find any shower curtains that have those colors without being ugly old lady shower curtains. The old lady isn't ugly... just the shower curtains. So after scouring the Internet these are a few I like and could build a new bathroom around. I'm going for fun and fresh.

This was a scheme put together by Making it Lovely and she even had my vases in there! I like that this one has a matching rug. The odd thing is that my current bathroom scheme has orange as a pretty major part of it and all of these curtains have orange in them! The current scheme is multi colored with orange and bright blue towels. The shower curtain is a bunch of circles in different colors.  I could get pink and navy towels, that would be a departure from what I have now...

I don't know that any of them really speak to me. I'm just not finding something that screams "me me me!" Any suggestions for other places to look?

Hello there...

Just popping in to say hello and give you a little peek into what I've been up to recently. I seem to be documenting my life with Instagram these days so all of these pics were taken with my phone. I've been keeping pretty busy and am pretty happy for the most part! I'm just doin my thing and learning how to settle in to this new life I've built for myself.

I've really been enjoying just staying home when I can so I can do some of the things I've always wanted but never had time to do. I'm happy as a clam at home by myself tonight, it's Friday, does that make me a little loserish? I am mildly worried that I enjoy my time at home by myself a little too much, like I'm going to become a lonely hermit and one day realize that I'm fifty years old and I'm surrounded by the things I love but with no mans and no family of my own. I'm sort of operating on the premise that it'll happen when it's supposed to and in the meantime I'm going to enjoy myself.

I spent a fair bit of time in the kitchen today. I got it into my head that I was going to make this homemade granola bar recipe. I haven't gotten to taste any yet, they are in the fridge hardening up right now. They have to be good though, I mean the ingredients list seems yummy. I'd never heard of using coconut oil before, there's a first time for everything!

My family will be in town this weekend for Easter. My sister is hosting Easter Sunday and I'm having them over for dinner tomorrow night. I don't often have the opportunity to cook a nice meal for people other than myself so I got out the Barefoot Contessa  Back to Basics cookbook and picked a few of the recipes in it I've been wanting to try. I decided on a pork tenderloin with this amazing marinade. It smelled so very good! It's in the fridge overnight so hopefully it'll turn out super yummy!

The library where I live never ceases to amaze me. I don't take advantage of it as much as I should. I went a liiiitle overboard the other day with the cookbooks, and there are so many more I want to look through!

One of my recent projects was a gift for one of the most awesome families I know. My friend has knitted me the most beautiful scarf and the most awesome legwarmers and I've been wanting to make something in return. This is their adorable little family with the two sweetest most adorable kiddos ever!

Went to Santa Cruz with my mommy last week.  Love this photo of the deserted boardwalk.

For quite a while now I've been wanting to eat at this little place called the Picnic Basket. It was amazing. It's right across the street from the volleyball courts and the pier in Santa Cruz. I had a beet panini, I forget what kind of cheese it had but it had this walnut spread on it that made it so good!

My most recent accomplishment was my first quilt just for me. I always make things for other people and this time I made something for myself. I love it. It was a lot of work but it came out so well!  I plan on taking better pics of it but I haven't had the time to find the right location.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend, the weather should be great! I think I'm going to get up tomorrow and go for a nice long walk or a bike ride. I've got a lot of spring cleaning to do and more cooking before the fam gets here. That's the news from Lake Wobegon!

You can't know what it feels like until you've been there.

I got some fabulous news yesterday. It's been a long time coming, but I will finally have a full time job with benefits after several years without either. The design office I've been working at since September is finally able to have me full time rather than part, which means I'm eligible for benefits.

I can't even begin to tell you what this feels like for me. It's amazing.

I said to my sister the other day, that I finally feel like an adult. Not sure what changed, maybe the fact that I have successfully made it through a very tough period in my life, made it through and become a better, happier, more well adjusted person too.

After a period of various levels of unemployment you can't know the elation I'm feeling unless you've been there. To lose your career job and for such a long time... can rob you of your feeling of worth. You can no longer support yourself, you need help. I made it through and am doing valued work and earning a living for it, all on my own. I don't know that I can ever truthfully complain about having to go to work again. I may grumble about wanting to stay in bed, or stay home and sew, but inside I'm so grateful for having a job to go to. Never take your job for granted, there are plenty of people out there who would love to have it.

The end of 2008 was a terrible time. My husband left, my grandmother died, and I lost my job. The combination of those things was horrible to deal with. It changed me forever. After he left I was forced to start living my life on my own for the first time ever really. But then the job loss happened and I was in a new even worse reality. I was alone and couldn't support myself. I've spent the time since growing and getting to know myself while slowly getting myself on more solid ground with work.  It's been my own journey, and it's happened just the way it should, for me. I'm happy to say that today I feel like I'm back, and so much better!

I'm sending gratitude and thanks to God, the universe and to my friends and family for all of the support over the years.  Time to bring on the next great adventure! Goodness knows I deserve it!

XOXO,

Amy

In my head and in my hands, what I'm working on.

Hello friends.

It's my Friday night and I'm sitting here surrounded by my projects. I have a quilt in progress, a small piece of embroidery, and today I decided to start learning how to crochet. Oh, and I have a watercolor project in mind that I have yet to start. and two pieces of furniture I want to refinish. I've been telling myself for years now that I'm not aloud to start knitting or crocheting because I already have too many hobbies that I don't have enough time for, and yarn is expeeeensive! I thought fabric was bad! Buuuut, I want a granny square afghan so darned if I'm going to wait for someone to make me one! I'll learn and make it myself! Plus I keep telling myself it's ok because I need more portable projects. It's really quite hard to bring your sewing machine on a car ride, or a plane... So, I'm sitting here after having made my first very uneven chain thinking... well, maybe I won't pick this up as quickly as I'd hoped I would! I think I thought I'd be busting out my first square tonight! Haha!

I have a quilt in progress that is actually for me! I've started the quilting and hope to make a pretty good dent in more of it this weekend.

Last weekend I went to my most favorite fabric store and bought (unplanned) quite a few fabrics to contribute to the next quilt I plan to make. This one will be for my bed, and I'll be redoing the whole room around it. These are just some of the fabrics... it's gonna be pretty wild! I really love the fifth one in from the left; the one with the purple and orange poppy-like flowers. And I love the one on the far right.

I'm contemplating a strips and bricks pattern, but I don't know, it's such a hard decision to make! This is a strips and bricks quilt I love... it's by Red Pepper Quilts.

Quilting is as much about the craft of it as it is about the quilter. I love pattern and color but at the same time I'm anal and like to be regimented. I'm thinking this would work.

So the rest of the room is being loosely planned out in Pinterest. I know I want a slate/blue wall behind my bed, and I know I want to make a headboard out of reclaimed wood. I've been saving links to tutorials on how to create whole walls with reclaimed wood, but I don't think I'll do that. My original inspiration came from an Anthropologie catalogue from over a year ago.  There was a lot of weathered wood, and rich colors like; rusty orange, orangey reds, cobalt blues and rich greens. It might have had a tinge of Moroccan or bohemian edge to it which I hope to maintain in my room design. You can check out my Pinterest board here.

These first three images are from the Anthropologie catalog.

The following images I've saved in my Pinterest file

I love the richness of this blue

Fantastic rich colors!

I died when I saw this lampshade at Anthropologie. Too bad it's $78 for just the shade... no lamp included.

Picture this as just a headboard.

Can you see it all like I can?!? I'm super excited to make this happen, but it's gonna be a while before it's all realized.