So yesterday was my birthday as you know. I didn’t really have much time to dwell on it for most of the day. After I packed up my stuff at my show I sped off to meet up with my sister and very good friend Luna. As I was driving home the momentum of the day caught up with me and I crashed a little. I am now 30, which to me has been a very hard to deal with. My 30th year has not been very good as a whole, there were definitely things that were good, but when I look back it didn’t treat me so well. There were things I thought I would have accomplished once I turned 30, and even though this sounds so contrived and somewhat archaic I thought I would be happily married with a baby or one on the way by now. Goes to show that your plans don’t always work out how you thought they would. This will come as no surprise to some of you but I don’t do well with change, I am a planner and I like to have things be organized. Although you wouldn’t know that with how messy I am most of the time. I had plans, and a timeline and they both got all screwed to hell and back. Now I have this expanse of unknown scary time ahead of me and it freaks me out a little, well a lot really.
My wonderful friend Luna came over last night to help me celebrate my birthday in a low key way. Luna is fantastic and it’s hard to describe her, the best way that I can is that she is a very spiritual person but not in a religious sense, she believes in the energy that one has in their body and soul and aura’s and chakras and all that fun stuff. She is also my massage therapist and is awesome at that too! When she came over last night she did a couple things in my house to help me have a clean and fresh slate. She got my stagnant energy moving, and cleaned out all of the dirty energy in the house. She burned candles and incense and cedar wood and we got rid of all the bad juju. Unfortunately she can’t do all of the work and some of it has to come from me. While I don’t expect to feel at peace with what has happened to me for a long time I’m making an effort to see the good and joy in my life and appreciate what I do have rather than concentrating on what I don’t have. It’s not easy for me; I’ve always been a glass half empty kind of gal.
I have always worried about others and what others think of me, I’ve not ever been very happy with myself or what I bring to the table or seen much value in what and who I am. It’s a huge obstacle to overcome and I don’t really know how to do it, but I guess knowing that I need to is a start. People have been telling me lately how much I have to offer, the say I’m beautiful, talented, loving, etc. and I truly don’t believe it most of the time and I need to figure out how to accept those things as true.
So, it’s a meager start, but it’s the beginning of what I hope is going to be a much better 31st year. The world is my oyster, I can do whatever I want, and I have my health, my family, my friends, a job, and a place to live. I can decorate it however I want, and put my sweat and muscle into refinishing furniture that is mine, I can paint the walls, and put up curtains, and create a craft room.
So even though I’m still going to have down and bad days, I’m trying to look forward to my future and see the positive.